Two Edged Swords

Well, the kids packed up today and headed home to South Dakota. Dale and I stayed home long enough to see them off, then headed into work. Everyone's back to their regular routine.....Trevor back at work, Jen home with the kids waiting for baby #5 and trying to sell their home...Justin back in school, Rachel back to day care and her own kids, and all is well with the world....

So, why am I so sad???

When the kids were little and we planned a vacation things were so simple. Dale and I were in charge, we pretty much decided the schedule, where we would be going, what we would do, and when we would do it....and the kids were just happy to be on the road to somewhere.

Flash 30 years forward and we now have 8 adults in charge....somewhat different dynamic!

Six adult children(3 that we didn't raise) and eight grandchildren...We outline a plan, and pick-up the tab....everything else is up for grabs.

Everyone has different expectations....one wants to lie around and sleep and read all week, one wants to spend time outdoors, another wants trips to the mall, the kids want to swim and go to the park, another wants privacy, the other togetherness for everything, no excuses accepted.

We spend hours trying to decide how one activity is going to work for everyone, only to discover that it won't.

It's been a long, emotionally draining, yet fun two weeks...I loved seeing the kids, but now I have to miss them again...two edged swords.

I'm ready for a real vacation!

Too Damn Old

I wait all year for the 2 weeks that will bring all our kids together again.

I day dream about the great time we'll have sitting around the dinner table, talking about life, careers, the grandchildren.....day trips to the canyons, movies in the afternoon....long nights, watching movies or playing board games.....lots of great food....sleeping in and staying up late, good humor, good times....

What I don't realize is that it's a package deal.....their dogs(how could they possibly leave them home or with strangers) their snakes,(I promise the lid locks, mom) splitting the time with the other parents(who get them first and do anything and everything there is to do in Utah, so that when they get to our house there's nothing left to do, and we're the boring grandparents) and the frustration of trying to coordinate with four different families; that's eight adults and eight children of varying ages and needs(and I don't just mean the children)not to mention our daughter-in-laws parents who just happen to be visiting the same week, and of course, those of us who live here and actually still have work obligations...

What quickly occurs to me?(it doesn't take a rocket scientist)....this isn't going to be easy! Besides work, we now have to cook and clean for 16 additional people, shovel the extra dog poop, dig up the newly planted plants and replace them, babysit, dog sit, taxi drive, entertain, did I mention the extra laundry? and oh yeah, referee, counsel, preach, worry, play banker, and the list goes on....

And let's be honest, when a kid comes home, it doesn't matter how old they are, how successful, how many committees they're on, how well they juggle work, school, children, church....they ALL become children again and want to be taken care of.

We know, because that's exactly what we wanted...And like our parents before us, we want to take care of them...what we didn't know then that we know now...they were just too damn old to do it...and so are we!

Life in the Trenches

A couple of 28 year old young men are traveling the country meeting with couples that have been married 40 years or longer asking them the secret to their long and happy marriage.

They have found that these couples have gone through many of the same challenges and disappointments as divorced couples.....the difference? They stuck it out.

One woman was asked if she had ever considered divorce.....not divorce she answered...murder once or twice!

I love the following quote:

Love is a temporary madness.

It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.

That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.-
Captain Corelli's Mandolin

A counselor once told me that nearly all of her married clients experience times in the bottom of the trench....most of them at that point give up and move on to seemingly easier relationships. Those who stay in the trench together, digging through the sh*t come out the other side with a relationship deeper, richer and more committed than they ever thought possible.

Here's to digging....

In Between

Why is it that people come into your life only to leave...

Is it insecurity....a lack of confidence...do they think you might interpret it to mean something that it doesn't if they stay....

Are they just too busy?

I have a friend....maybe, once or twice a year we come into each other's life.....the conversation is great, we go back and forth sharing ideas, opinions, beliefs.....then, nothing again for another few months.

I use to have a best friend....we did everything together. We were like sisters, really.....but I was the one who always had to initiate things.....if I didn't call, we could go for weeks without speaking. I quit calling........we haven't seen each other since.

Does it make people feel vulnerable to stick around? Is it fear that keeps them away.....fear of commitment to a time consuming friendship. The messes, the worries..do they make us afraid and confused...do we want to quit, or rewind or start fresh...

Sometimes, we don't stick with things long enough to see how they all fit together....is there some lesson to be learned that we can only learn from them? Do we need them, or do they need us?

Life is full of introductions and goodbyes. It's the people that fall in-between that perplex me....
the ones that are the first to say after an absence of several months...."it feels like we've never been apart...."well we have been apart, and who knows how much richer our life could have been if we'd stayed close.

So how do we do this?

John Lennon said, “Life is what happens when we are making other plans.”

I guess we miss out on a lot in life. That’s the cost. We miss out on the gorgeous, textured beauty of a life filled with friends.... stains and all.

Sure it takes time and committment and lots of energy on this side but what if we miss the possibility of a gorgeous, deep, rich filled life on the other side.

Maybe we need to spend more time on the in-between.

For All The "Men" in My Life

Leaving Home

Where ever life takes us...we seldom get too far from home

How we felt as children never leaves us. How we are thought of us children is hard to escape.


You could be 60 and as long as you were the baby of the family, you're still the baby.
You could be an accomplished career person and still be haunted by not finishing that college degree.
You could have a beautiful home, family and career and still feel that it wasn't enough. Where do those feelings come from? Home.

A friend recently made the comment that we author at a pretty early age, the path we are going to travel, and although there is room for some changes, we are pretty insistent on seeing things through to the end

If that's true....and I believe it is, then our life for the most part is carved and shaped by our earliest experiences.

What ever achievements we attain or ruin we create , in part can be attributed to those moments when we consciously or not, determined who we were.

The compliant one, or the disobedient, the shy inward child, or the adventurous outgoing one, the loving daughter, or the defient self-serving son, the forgiver or the grudge keeper, the peace maker or the trouble maker....

Once decided, we then attract to our lives, those individuals who will help us sanction that image... good or bad.

Maybe, there will be moments of enlightenment....where we recognize that we are not limited by those initial interactions. That we are greater than the sum of those events that tend to mold us into the people we become....

But, I think that's rare....our continued interaction with those who helped to form our attitude and belief system further substantiates that we are who they say we are...without the help of a great mentor, most of us are destined to live our lives as dictated by our preadolescent experiences and those whose myopic vision will not let us evolve past invisible boundaries.

Often the most difficult challenge we have as adults is overcoming those lessons ingrained at an impressionable age when we were not equiped to take care of ourselves...when we in fact should have been taken care of by others.

Those feelings of abandonment, inferiority, insecurity, shyness, rejection....attitudes which hinder our lives and often lead to destructive behaviors....

We are forever altered by these early moments where we responded to situations that now impact the way others view us, and more importantly, how we view ourselves.

But we are not destined to that outcome.. The one thing we can count on in this life is change....so why not use it....remove ourselves from the trenches of old belief and thought patterns?

Find the power to change .... Seek the mentor, the book, the inner voice that believes in you.

It takes courage, effort, and committment to write a new story...an authentic one based on the person you have become.

Only you know who that is....maybe it's time you told someone...


MKC

The smell of Coffee

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil.

In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil,without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl.She pulled the eggs out and placed t hem in a bowl.Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in abowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see." Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean?" Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity..boiling water.

Each reacted differently.The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.Which are you?" she asked her daughter.


"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"


Ask yourself: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a break-up, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavour. If you are like the bean,when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity?

Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?



May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

(an e-mail from my neice, Myra)