Forgiveness is a Gift and like all Gifts it does not Need to be Earned

Forgive those who hurt thy pride, offend thine honor, or otherwise frost thy buttocks.

Nearly fifteen years ago I was invited to a session where honesty was to be the main topic of discussion. Someone dear to me had been struggling with an addiction and in the course of his "activities" had been lying to me for several years. He was now getting help(as was I) and the two facilitators were bringing us together for some long awaited honesty. Unfortunately, his facilitator allowed the lies to continue, and when I later discovered the truth, I felt once again betrayed...but this time, by the trusted person who "we" were going to for help and direction and honesty.

Over the years, as our paths would cross, I'd wonder how he could ignore this obvious breach of confidence....However, with time, I was able to allow him his error in judgement and support him as a future leader of an organization that I was a member of.

Tonight, I had a face to face meeting with him. At the end of the meeting I asked if we could speak about the past.....As I reviewed some of the events, he responded by saying that it would be impossible for him to remember all of the painful meetings he had conducted over the years. I told him that it wasn't the content of the meeting I struggled with but his decision to allow dishonesty to continue in a setting that was to foster honesty.

I explained that I saw it as a lack of principle and it caused me to question his character. Because of his position in our lives, it was necessary for me to sort through my feelings.

He explained that it was a challenge to maintain confidentiality of a client and at the same time provide integrity in a meeting and that there were probably times when he didn't control the situation as well as he should have.

I tried to soften my criticism by acknowledging that I may not have known all that he was bound by in terms of doctor/patient communications, and that my main reason for bringing this up now, was because I knew that there had been discussion concerning my anger and that I didn't want it between us. I wanted him to know that I had worked through my feelings and wanted to give him an opportunity to express his.

Surprisingly, he had no feelings to express...and I left the meeting sad and disappointed; Having given him an opportunity to explain or even defend the position he took that had so effected my dying ability to trust....I was left with an amazing truth....the truth that he didn't even remember me...or the situation that he created by allowing secrets to continue.

So now, more than ever I believe that forgiveness is more about releasing harmful energies (grudges, feelings of victimization, and so on) that are overshadowing our personal health and well-being than letting someone else off the hook for his or her misdeeds.

In fact, I wonder....how many of our heartaches, deep unbearable wounds, disappointments, anger, and frustrations, are wasted on people who don't even remember that they hurt us?

MKC