Soul Mates...
Nothing is as destructive in life as the belief that our life choices are accidental, that the people who come into our sphere are coincidental, or that life is capricious and unplanned. To think this way means that we are all interchangeable, that any one relationship is just like another and that eternal happiness is not really worth working for.
On the other hand, a feeling of foreordination, that you were meant to be before you ever actually were, is the belief that gives us the stamina and will to make our lives work. The belief itself becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I believe that we exist with raison d’etre (root, explanation) and that there are those who come into our lives to help us fulfill our purpose and become the people that we are meant to be. Does that mean that there is a “one and only”? A “soul mate”?
I don’t think so. But I do believe that there are those whom are better matches, better fits…individuals who encourage us to fulfill our potential.
President Kimball said: “‘Soul mates’ are a fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price” (“Marriage and Divorce,” p. 146).
“In selecting a companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most careful planning, thinking, praying and fasting should be done to be sure that of all decisions, this one must not be wrong. In true marriage, there must be a union of minds as well as of emotions”
And these words by President Packer: “While I am sure some young couples have some special guidance in getting together, I do not believe in predestined love. If you desire the inspiration of the Lord in this crucial decision, you must live the standards of the Church, and you must pray constantly for the wisdom to recognize those qualities upon which a successful union may be based. You must do the choosing, rather than to seek for some one-and-only so-called soul mate, chosen for you by someone else and waiting for you. You are to do the choosing. You must be wise beyond your years and humbly prayerful unless you choose amiss” (Eternal Love [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1973], p. 11).
Once chosen, our mate is not like a garment worthy of exchange. On the contrary, they are ours and worth the work that it takes to keep them ours. Marriage is a commitment. If you do not invest fully and completely in that commitment, you are cheating your marriage.
Though I have a strong commitment to marriage, and to family, I also know that mistakes can be made. How can we excuse mistakes in every other area of our life and banish it from the most important decision we make? One I might add that is made when hormones are raging and brain cells are under utilized. Some of us get lucky…work hard….and find that best fit in spite of ourselves.
Life is complicated……there are many reasons to stay in a less than perfect marriage, but ultimately, what could be more important than honestly looking at where we are and functionally deciding whether it is right or wrong?
A marriage is not a marriage without full disclosure and honesty. If you are living as room mates without sharing and exploring and understanding one another, then leaving the marriage will not even be leaving the marriage, as the marriage is sadly, functionally, terminated anyway.
Decide to commit….decide to discover why it is you are with the person you are with. Decide to rediscover your spouse.
If after hard work, honest appraisal and spiritual seeking you can honestly say that this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, let alone eternity, then have the courage to decide to be happy.
Myra K. Christensen
Acknowledgements to Shmuley Boteach
On the other hand, a feeling of foreordination, that you were meant to be before you ever actually were, is the belief that gives us the stamina and will to make our lives work. The belief itself becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I believe that we exist with raison d’etre (root, explanation) and that there are those who come into our lives to help us fulfill our purpose and become the people that we are meant to be. Does that mean that there is a “one and only”? A “soul mate”?
I don’t think so. But I do believe that there are those whom are better matches, better fits…individuals who encourage us to fulfill our potential.
President Kimball said: “‘Soul mates’ are a fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price” (“Marriage and Divorce,” p. 146).
“In selecting a companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most careful planning, thinking, praying and fasting should be done to be sure that of all decisions, this one must not be wrong. In true marriage, there must be a union of minds as well as of emotions”
And these words by President Packer: “While I am sure some young couples have some special guidance in getting together, I do not believe in predestined love. If you desire the inspiration of the Lord in this crucial decision, you must live the standards of the Church, and you must pray constantly for the wisdom to recognize those qualities upon which a successful union may be based. You must do the choosing, rather than to seek for some one-and-only so-called soul mate, chosen for you by someone else and waiting for you. You are to do the choosing. You must be wise beyond your years and humbly prayerful unless you choose amiss” (Eternal Love [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1973], p. 11).
Once chosen, our mate is not like a garment worthy of exchange. On the contrary, they are ours and worth the work that it takes to keep them ours. Marriage is a commitment. If you do not invest fully and completely in that commitment, you are cheating your marriage.
Though I have a strong commitment to marriage, and to family, I also know that mistakes can be made. How can we excuse mistakes in every other area of our life and banish it from the most important decision we make? One I might add that is made when hormones are raging and brain cells are under utilized. Some of us get lucky…work hard….and find that best fit in spite of ourselves.
Life is complicated……there are many reasons to stay in a less than perfect marriage, but ultimately, what could be more important than honestly looking at where we are and functionally deciding whether it is right or wrong?
A marriage is not a marriage without full disclosure and honesty. If you are living as room mates without sharing and exploring and understanding one another, then leaving the marriage will not even be leaving the marriage, as the marriage is sadly, functionally, terminated anyway.
Decide to commit….decide to discover why it is you are with the person you are with. Decide to rediscover your spouse.
If after hard work, honest appraisal and spiritual seeking you can honestly say that this is not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, let alone eternity, then have the courage to decide to be happy.
Myra K. Christensen
Acknowledgements to Shmuley Boteach
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