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Well, I think we are all finally recovering! On the heels of an ill fated Thanksgiving, we are girding our loins for Christmas.

I love Christmas. Kind of. I'm somewhat selective. Beginining with Christmas Eve, and on to Christmas morning. The rest of it ...Not so much.

I remember BIG Christmases growing up. I also remember stories of my mom hocking her wedding rings to provide for those Christmases, and the panic of making ends meet for the new year.

Maybe that's why I do most if not all of my shopping 2-3 days before the big day. It's only then that I get excited and wish I had planned better. It would be nice if that last minute buying limited the amount I spent. Unfortunately, I seem to be quite efficient at spending a lot in a very short time.

Saturday is the big Dutch oven Christmas breakfast, with the ward. It's amazing to me how much people do to make nice events for others. It really makes me feel like a slug. Where does all that energy and dedication come from?

The other day driving home from work I asked myself if I was happy. The last time I can truly remember being happy, was when Taylor and I went fishing with Gina and Ray. I'm not sure why, but the memory is still so acutely poignant. It was a perfect moment in time.

It seems nearly impossible since his death to be unequivocally happy. Happiness is a far off memory. Any attempts at happiness are always tainted by the thought of his not being here.

My life is measured by before and after.

Yet life is inescapable. Through my children and my grandchildren, I experience peace . So it is with peace in my heart, that I face the Christmas season. For now, their delight, their joy and happiness is enough. If I can participate in that then perhaps happiness is close by.