It Takes "Balls To Change" joss stone

If I had known then what I know now, I would never have done what I did.

I'd like to believe that this saying is true. But given the choice, how many of us would truly change our course if we knew the outcome before hand.

Sometimes the hardest questions, are the ones we ask ourselves. The most difficult truths to face are the ones that shed light on us, the saddest moments are seeing what contributions we have made to our own misery.

So the best I hope for is honesty. Honesty on which I can base my decisions. One of my favorite quotes: "I'd rather be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie" is my strongest desire.

Too, often in my life others have kept truth from me. I believe it's the cruelest thing one human can do to another. If you don't have the truth, you have nothing real.

My resolution for 2008 is to be authentic. Authentic in all my relationships, including my relationship with myself.

It's hard for me to say this, because I want to believe in change. Yet, I'm not sure it's possible. I believe that our behavior can be modified. But it seems to me that the core beliefs, where ever they come from...stick.

I admire "change" in any form. It takes "balls" to step outside of learned behaviors. To react "differently". But I don't believe it. I don't trust it. It feels manipulative. Not authentic. And that scares me. I guess it takes trust to believe in "change". The one thing I don't have is trust.

So life for me is difficult. I live with someone who has gone through a great deal of "change". Everyone is so proud of what he's been able to overcome. That includes me. But I don't trust it. And maybe in the end, that says more about me than him.