The Time Keeper

Tonight we celebrated Noah's 3rd birthday.

As we were driving to Syracuse, I remembered that Taylor Ammon had died two weeks before his 3rd birthday. I wondered just how difficult this would be for Trevor and Jen.

Shortly after arriving I mentioned my thoughts to Jen and she said that she and Trevor had been talking about how Taylor hadn't made it this long. That Noah was now older than Taylor when he died. That Trevor wondered...could it happen again.

Even Baylie was aware of the significance of the occasion. Shortly after Taylor's death she and her parents left for a week to be alone. They went to Disney World. Baylie pulled me aside tonight and wanted me to look at the picture journal of that trip. I think it was her way of putting the events together. Taylor's death, the trip and Noah's birthday.

When you lose a child all kinds of dark thoughts park without permission in what little space you have left in your heart.

You now go through life adopting the idea that it doesn't matter what you do... things will happen if they're meant to and so you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Or you try to tightly control your enviroment... protecting, shielding, modifying every single event in your life...always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Sometimes when you're centered and your faith is strong, you remember that none of it matters. That life gives no guarantees and that we can only trust and believe that all will be made right in the end....and you wait... for the other shoe to drop.

Everything is measured in before and after, before and after, before and after.

At times I'm taken back by how consistently life goes on. People come and go, welcomed and missed.

The one constant is time. No matter what happens the world doesn't stop. Your life can be falling a part and yet people continue with their routines. Morning will always come and night time always follow.

You want to shout out; can't you see what's happened? Our life will never be the same. But the clock keeps ticking and with each tick we pull ourselves together and continue living.

There will always be some one's birthday to celebrate, a new baby being born, a blessing, a baptism, a wedding to attend and most certainly a funeral to say goodbye.

Dinner and a Movie, Done Better

I know...it's that dreaded day of the year "Valentine's Day" .

No body gets it perfect.

In your twenties it's all about the TWO OF YOU.

In your thirties it's the FAMILY DATE.

In your forties it's all about HOW MANY OF YOUR FRIENDS CAN GET TOGETHER AND GO TO THE MOST EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT.

In your fifties you just want to STAY HOME.

But just so you don't think I've lost all hope(and every romantic bone in my body), here is a list of date ideas to last the whole year through.

ENJOY!


Upgrade the Saturday-night standard with these tips:

Turn your night into a mini-vacation by matching the menu to the movie:Kung fu action flick? Order some spicy noodles at your local Chinese restaurant. French film noir? Hit the nearest bistro. Italian family drama? Share a big bowl of spaghetti. Choose a restaurant that has small tables, or ask to sit side by side, so you can't help but rub knees.

Try brunch and a matinee: Your neighborhood's fancier restaurants are way more affordable (and just as delicious) in the daytime hours.Find a restaurant with a dance floor.Even if you've got less coordination than a Dancing With the Stars early-round reject, you can still hold each other close and sway to the beat.


Laugh like a kid again at the latest G- or PG-rated movie. "It makes me laugh to watch him giggling like some 7-year-old," says one woman who regularly goes to children's movies with her husband. "It reminds me of why I fell in love with him: his silly, fun side." Get enough animated fare in your daily life? Skip Shrek the Third and chuckle over the infectious goofy humor of whatever Farrelly brothers or Ben Stiller flick is on offer.


Create your own "drive-in" experience. If you have a laptop with a DVD drive, take it out with you. Rent or download a movie you never got around to seeing, order something simple at a dimly lit bistro, find a love seat to cuddle up in, and watch. Netflix's most popular DVD-rental plan now lets users access movies (up to 18 hours' worth a month) from its "Instant Watching" library of 1,000 films, which can be zapped straight to a PC in seconds. Another option: For around $20 a month you can get software that will let you download a wide assortment of movies (check out cinemanow.com and movielink.com).

Cheap Dates! Give yourselves the VIP treatment, without the price tag:

Go for an all-day hike.Check out trails.com for a listing of nearby treks and get lost in the woods together.


Get sweaty together. It'll feel less like a chore and more like a we're-in-this-together moment when you help each other to get your hearts pumping and cheer each other along. Or try couples yoga: Twisting your body into pretzel poses will bring you closer together in every way.


Visit the museum. Museumstuff.com has links to thousands of art institutions in America and abroad; the Art Museum Network at amn.org lists links to the Websites and exhibition calendars of the world's leading art museums; and galleryguide.org will help you easily locate an art venue near you. If art really isn't your (or his) thing, don't overlook other kinds of exhibits, such as the history of hockey, or even surgical equipment! One good source for the weird and wild: museumspot.com.


Go camping overnight. There's no TV to interrupt your conversation, and the night is long, so you can retire early to your sleeping bags (zipped together, of course).


Spend an afternoon test-driving cars, viewing model homes, or window-shopping. Even if you have no interest in making a purchase now, these activities can kick-start discussions about your goals. New lovers are always dreaming together about the things they want to achieve: exotic trips, houses, children. As love matures, you become more focused on the here and now — attending school meetings, folding socks — and forget to write the next chapter of your love story, or think you don't have to because you've already discussed it all before. But continually setting shared goals gives love something to work toward and shape itself around.


Give in to the undeniably romantic allure of watching the sun go down. Head to the highest point in town, and when the light is romance-perfect for enhancing your sensuous mood, turn the scenic view into a background for a make-out session.


Romance Each OtherReconnect with these so-sweet ideas:

Relive your first date. Follow the same itinerary and include as many of the original details as possible. Even though you know how the night will end this time around, recalling how you talked, explored, and began your lifelong journey of getting to know each other can remind you that there is still much to learn — about yourselves and your relationship.


Have a gourmet picnic. Cruise the aisles of your supermarket and load your cart with whatever epicurean delights you can find: lobster salad, good-quality chocolate, wine or fizzy grape juice, gourmet crackers, gooey cheeses, and so on. Now head for the most romantic spot in town. If it's too cold or wet to eat alfresco, why not try the atrium at the local zoo, botanical gardens, museum, or mall?


Get decked out — even if you're just going to the local diner.Slip into your most glamorous duds — and have him do the same. No matter where you go, looking like your best version of yourself will make the evening feel special and inspire connection (and passion).


Take a dance lesson. Even if you end up stepping on each other's toes, you'll be forced to pay attention to how your bodies move together. Avoid dances that don't involve touching (like line dancing). Instead, try learning how to tango, waltz, or even square-dance. At the end of the lesson, be prepared for your dancing fool to sweep you off your feet and straight into bed.


Rent a rowboat for a DIY sunset cruise and dinner. Keep your drinks cold by tying a rope around the bottle neck, or using a net to carry it, and trailing it behind you in the water as you head for the middle of the lake. Pack a blanket, lie back, and wait for the stars to appear. Don't forget to make a wish together on the first one you see.


Go see a fortune-teller. It doesn't matter if she gets it right. (Do you really need a crystal ball to tell you that you two are meant to be?) But it can be a giggle (if she's wrong) or inspiring (if she's in the ballpark) to hear how a stranger reads your romance.


Have a picture-perfect night. Take a camera with you and at different points on your night out, ask people to take your photo (make it a point to lock lips for some of the snaps). On your next date, flip through the photos together — or make a collage or slide show. You can also create great memories by making a date with a photographer for a fancy shot of the two of you in a tight clinch. Or simply head into a photo booth. "We always take goofy photo-booth pictures when we go out," says one woman. "It's fun, and sometimes illuminating, to look back over them. For instance, the snap we took a few months after our son was born — I remember feeling like we weren't communicating well, but then I'll look at that date photo and it shows how much joy and love we were also feeling."


Head to your local department store and challenge each other to come up with the most romantic, intimate gift possible. Two things: It can't cost more than $20, and it must be used that night. You'll find that you really need to think about the essence of each other to come up with an offering that hits the right note. "Frank knows that I love bath products, but I never buy them because they seem like too much of a luxury," says Pamela, 38. "So every once in a while, when we're out for the night, he'll pull me into a store and pick out some bath salts or oils. Then, when we get home, he'll run the bath for me, wash me from head to toe, and dry me off."


Take a trip to nowhere. No packing, no planning, no idea. Just get in the car and start driving off into the sunset together. Stop when you're hungry or thirsty. If there's an interesting sight or town, pause and explore. So much of life seems to be about following the agenda. By following your heart instead, you'll recapture that exciting sense of the unknown you felt when you two first met.


"Let's Stay In!"Get cozy with these no-reservations-required dates:

Create your own private blackout. There's something cinematically sexy and romantic about a blackout, but you don't have to wait for the electric company to put you in the dark. Just forbid all use of electricity (yes, that includes the cell phone and computer) and close all the curtains. Light a few candles and then play shadow games on each other's bodies.


Meet for a midnight snack. Nibble on whatever sweet thing is on hand or have a s'mores tent party (after the kids are in bed). Hook up a makeshift tent with a rope and a blanket, then roast a couple of marshmallows in the toaster oven and sandwich them with chocolate graham crackers. Don't worry about making a sticky mess — you can lick the crumbs off of each other later.


Make tube time more special. If you're both addicted to The Office, make a date of it: Munch on a bowl of cubicle-worthy microwave popcorn. Sopranos fans? Pour each other a glass of Italian wine. Another way to direct-connect with him: Watch a show that you wouldn't normally view; taking a break from your usual TiVo list can launch lively discussions.


Feed each other. Cut up an assortment of sexy juicy fruits: mangoes, papayas, raspberries, and strawberries. Don't refrigerate, as fruit at room temperature has the most pungent aroma and releases the most flavor when placed on the tongue.


Ready, Set, Speed-Date!Even you have time for these quickie rendezvous:

Plan on having breakfast or, if time is too tight for even a bagelicious moment, a wake-up coffee together once a week at the same local diner. Whether it's a charming bistro or a truck stop, the fact that you make it your own date place will make it feel special.


Make a phone date to talk for 15 minutes. This is different from hitting the speed dial to remind him that you'll be late tonight or to pick up milk on the way home. Ink it into your calendar and make sure you are in a space where there are no other distractions (screaming kids, nosy coworkers, cheery checkout workers, and so on) so you can give each other your full attention. You can keep your conversation innocent — or not!


Enjoy a mini-date. Think: a half hour for a pizza lunch for two or one quick cocktail or coffee together after work. "The important thing is getting time together," says Courtney, 28. "There have been times when we squeezed in a quick meal before my husband had to return to work. But spending that hour together was better than not having any time alone with each other that week.


Pull Out the StopsDefinitely not your everyday dates:

Plan a hush-hush romantic "mystery night. "One of you makes all the arrangements and just tells the other where and when you'll meet (perhaps via a note in a lunch bag or a briefcase, in the car on the driver's seat, propped against the milk in the refrigerator, or scribbled on the kids' Magna Doodle). The destination can be anything from dinner at a nice restaurant to a scavenger hunt with you as the prize. It's not the venue that makes the evening special, but the anticipatory thrill that comes with not knowing what's coming next.


Spend the day at a weird and wild festival: Mashed-potato wrestling, a chicken-plucking competition, a cardboard boat race, or a watermelon seed-spitting contest. For an overview of bizarre goings-on nationwide, check out eccentricamerica.com.


Pull an all-nighter and check into a high-end hotel. Even if it's less than a mile from your own bed, you'll still feel transported to luxury land, where the only thing you need to concentrate on is each other. For one thing, there's a great big bed. For another, there is a "Do Not Disturb" sign that actually works. Lounge in the fluffy white robes, order room service and feed each other in bed, get hot in the steam room, have a randy romp in the hot tub (preferably in your room!), and sleep until checkout.


And Dates He'll Totally Love You For…You won't have to ask him twice to:

Rock on, baby.Catch your favorite classic rock band on its reunion tour. Or check out a local cover band that plays music from the days when you were dating. "Every August I score tickets to an outdoor concert," says one woman. "I don a concert T-shirt from our dating days and dance wildly, just like I did on our first date."


Take a really cool class. Discovering something new together adds a layer of emotional connection to your relationship that will last long after the last lesson. Try scuba lessons, and dream about running off for a getaway at a remote tropical island; or learn a new foreign language and start planning a romantic vacation to the country where it's spoken!

FYI TRIVIA:


Sixty-six percent of women said they're the one who picks the flick.

Funniest date-night flick:When Harry Met Sally. (Close second: The 40-Year-Old Virgin.)

Most romantic date-night flick:The Notebook.

Turn Up the HeatMake any date sexy and surprising with these melt-him moves:

Meet at 2 in the afternoon — or 9 in the morning. You'll feel less like a card-carrying long-term couple trying to plan some quality together time and more like a pair of illicit lovers squeezing in a rendezvous behind everyone's back.


Add something unexpected. For Lisa, 40, the twist was going on her usual mountain-biking date with her husband, but ending it with a skinny-dip in a nearby pond. "Now we make it a point to map out rides near water," she says.


"Accidentally" brush against him as you walk together.


Tell him how hot he looks, and exactly how you plan to ravish him later.


REDBOOK's new book, 500 Great Dates, has tons of fun plans for you and your guy — no matter how much (or how little) time, money, or babysitter access you have! Available wherever books are sold, or call 866-338-3778 to order.

Thoughts on Paper

To you women of today, who are old or young, may I suggest to you that you write, that you keep journals, that you express your thoughts on paper. Writing is a great discipline. It is a tremendous education effort. It will assist you in various ways, and you will bless the lives of many--now and in the years to come, as you put on paper some of your experiences and some of your musings."

--President Gordon B. Hinckley

Tribute To President Hinckley

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DONH655IR1E&watch_response

Glenn Beck's Tribute to President Hinckley

http://www.glennbeck.com/content/articles/article/200/5127/

I Can't Get No Satisfaction...from shopping that is

If happiness truly consisted in physical ease and freedom from care, then the happiest individual would not be either a man or a woman; it would be, I think, an American cow.

William Lyon Phelps

It is clear why shopping can become an addiction. It doesn't satisfy in a deep and enduring way. Happiness is more likely to be found in the workshop than in the mall.

It is not surprising that latter-day revelation portrays heaven as more of a bustling workshop than a retirement community.

The recommendations of prophets provide an ideal formula for happiness: be busily loving, building, and serving.

A woman tells a story with a powerful lesson about appreciation:

We had just remodeled our kitchen when my grandmother came to visit. With great pride I showed her the refrigerator-freezer, the dishwasher, the washer and dryer, the electric stove with timer controls, and the disposal unit in the kitchen sink. She admired everything extravagantly and then sat watching me prepare dinner. Suddenly she said, "If you could have only one of the conveniences in this kitchen, which would you choose to keep?" I thought about it carefully, weighing the merits of each appliance, and finally decided that the refrigerator was the one I really couldn't do without. Grandma chuckled. "I would pick running water every time," she said.

Happiness comes more from an attitude of gratitude than from unrelenting abundance.

"The cheerful heart has a continual feast"

(Proverbs 15:15 NIV).

Happiness comes from a choice to be grateful.

"Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy. Hearken diligently unto me, and remember the words which I have spoken; and come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not, neither can be corrupted, and let your soul delight in fatness"

(2 Nephi 9:51, see also Isaiah 55:2).

How to Reinvest in LIfe after the Death of a Loved One

Death often appears to wreck the lives of survivors. Many people feel they have a gaping hole in their body and mind. With the loved one gone, life takes on some drastic changes, and demands that the survivor start new routines without the support and companionship of the beloved. At times, it seems like hell on earth.

So what do mourners seem to accomplish that helps them accept their great losses and begin the long journey of adapting to a new life? How do they adjust to the unfamiliar and begin to find joy once again?

Here is what many have done to move through, not around, their grief.

At some point, they chose to commit to the following approach: "I am adjusting to the new. I am going to get through this." Intention is an extremely powerful force. Make every effort to begin each day with a commitment to meet your sadness head on and embrace it as a natural response because you have loved. Put something on your night stand (object, symbol, whatever is meaningful to you) as a reminder when you get up in the morning to form the intention and tell yourself, "I am persisting. I will outlast this."

Work on your inner life. All grief resolution begins with what you say to yourself day after day, week after week. This means you have to be your own best friend and treat yourself as you would a best friend. Come to the realization that what you continue to think about grows. As you keep focusing on pain it often gets worse, depression comes and deepens. Learn a technique to allow yourself to switch your attention away from pain and towards a loving memory. Everyone needs a break from grief. Keep talking positively to yourself.

Make the decision that you will talk to at least three people every day. Human interaction, with the right people, and at the right time will go a long way toward balancing your sadness and providing a needed outlet for your feelings. On the other hand, isolation from others will lengthen the acute pain phase of grief. Never stay by yourself for long periods of time. Yes, you need solitude, but not self-imposed isolation.

Come to the conclusion that there are two options open to you when a loved one dies: to live in abject sorrow for the rest of your life (which will paralyze you for the rest of your life) or to accept what cannot be changed, search for meaning in the death, and find new purpose in life. Obviously, this process of awareness cannot take place right away. Much time is needed to assimilate the pain. More time is needed to become familiar with a world that has drastically changed, and to realize that death and struggle changes the survivor. Eventually though, you have to choose one or the other path.

Listen to others; learn about grief, and the fact that it is survivable. We can all learn from the information that is already out there and has been used by millions through the years. And yes, there are still lots of people who cling to nonfunctional myths and beliefs about grief who have to be avoided as much as possible. Look for quality sources by checking their credentials and the resources on which they draw their wisdom.

Go easy on yourself when you have a bad day. Most mourners have bad days after experiencing a number of tolerable ones. Months later, (years later,)you may feel the way you did the first few days after your loved one died. There is one word that has a wide range of application in the grief response: normal. We are all different and grieve differently, so don't expect some sort of perfection. Nobody grieves in some perfect format. It doesn't exist.

Remember, grief does not vanish completely, never to be heard from again. Memory will bring back some sadness from time to time and we learn to live with it. You will too. Your beloved will always be a part of you.

If it was a parent who died, you have their genes in you, and your memory can always recall them--and you can choose to talk with them as you see fit. This is healthy as you move on into the next phase of your life. Sure, the painful hole won't go away but look around you for inspiration from all who are living proof that you can live with that reminder.

About the Author: Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc.