The Time Keeper

Tonight we celebrated Noah's 3rd birthday.

As we were driving to Syracuse, I remembered that Taylor Ammon had died two weeks before his 3rd birthday. I wondered just how difficult this would be for Trevor and Jen.

Shortly after arriving I mentioned my thoughts to Jen and she said that she and Trevor had been talking about how Taylor hadn't made it this long. That Noah was now older than Taylor when he died. That Trevor wondered...could it happen again.

Even Baylie was aware of the significance of the occasion. Shortly after Taylor's death she and her parents left for a week to be alone. They went to Disney World. Baylie pulled me aside tonight and wanted me to look at the picture journal of that trip. I think it was her way of putting the events together. Taylor's death, the trip and Noah's birthday.

When you lose a child all kinds of dark thoughts park without permission in what little space you have left in your heart.

You now go through life adopting the idea that it doesn't matter what you do... things will happen if they're meant to and so you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Or you try to tightly control your enviroment... protecting, shielding, modifying every single event in your life...always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Sometimes when you're centered and your faith is strong, you remember that none of it matters. That life gives no guarantees and that we can only trust and believe that all will be made right in the end....and you wait... for the other shoe to drop.

Everything is measured in before and after, before and after, before and after.

At times I'm taken back by how consistently life goes on. People come and go, welcomed and missed.

The one constant is time. No matter what happens the world doesn't stop. Your life can be falling a part and yet people continue with their routines. Morning will always come and night time always follow.

You want to shout out; can't you see what's happened? Our life will never be the same. But the clock keeps ticking and with each tick we pull ourselves together and continue living.

There will always be some one's birthday to celebrate, a new baby being born, a blessing, a baptism, a wedding to attend and most certainly a funeral to say goodbye.