But I've ALWAYS been thin!

Today I had a wedding shower to attend.

I took time getting ready, trying to decide what to wear. I was prepared with a gift, wrapped(huge for me). What I wasn't prepared for was how uncomfortable I am in my own skin these days. More than ever I seem to be aware of the awkwardness of my body. So bloated and out of shape. I use to complain about being overweight, but deep inside I knew I wasn't 'that' bad. Now I am that bad. and more.

The other day I went in for a mammogram I was talking to the clinician about my weight gain. She asked how it had affected me. I told her that I still see myself as thin, that it's only when my butt hits a wall as I'm passing behind a chair and I think...did someone move the wall? Surely my butts not sticking out that much! Or I go to get out of a chair and need a fork lift. My balance is all off too. I'm use to moving gracefully through a room, now I seem to verge on waddling.

I'm not really sure how it all happened. I was watching an interview with America's biggest loser( for the 1st time a woman).

She had always been thin and active. She said she put it on 5lbs at a time and had never really NOTICED that see had changed. Even now she doesn't recognize the woman in the before pictures. She lost over a hundred pounds! Enough to make a whole other person, yet I knew exactly what she was saying. Inside I'm still a thin person.

I wish that I could go away for a year, without any other responsibilities. Live on the beach, swim and run every day, eat fresh fruit and vegetables, no worries, just me becoming me once again. I miss the old Myra. But I'm not sure how to get her back. The thought of doing what I need to do to make that much of a significant change is overwhelming.