The Payoff

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led to those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again in this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you

You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine by being my friend:

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
But then, I guess we know, there's blame to share
And none of it seems to matter anymore

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better
And because I knew you:
I have been changed for good.
(from the musical Wicked)

It's a Healthy Thing!

I was just thinking this past week through...I know that I have a tendency to take care of other people, even if it's not in my best interest. It's easier for me to deal with my own disappointment than disappointing them and having to deal with that.

I try to be generous and giving, which I think is a good thing. But every now and then, I find myself feeling resentful when I see others making decisions that are good for them, especially if it involves an adjustment/sacrifice from me and I don't feel like they're recognizing that.

Now, I know that I should speak up, but I don't want to cause any problems, and of course, I want to be seen as helpful, loving, supportive, etc.


Because I'm not very good at knowing how to take care of myself AND be helpful, I think I end up trying to get the other person to make a different decision. This can come across as me being very critical...questioning, if this is something they REALLY need. The objective behind this line of questioning is the hope that they will re-think things, change their minds and let me off the hook.

That way, I don't have to say yes and end up resenting it later, and I don't have to say no and then feel guilty for appearing(at least in my eyes) selfish and self-centered by taking care of myself. I guess it's either my nature, or a well embedded learned behavior...but it feels so wrong to just say "that's not going to work for me".

At times when I'm not sure what I want... when I truly want both things, and I feel torn, it really comes off badly. I try to convince them that I really do want this, while at the same time telling them all the reasons they shouldn't want it...In the end, the discussion has taken on a life of it's own, we've ended up debating everything that's never really bothered us, as if it's now the worse thing in our life...and everyone goes away shaking there head, asking "what was that all about"?


If I have any joy in life, it's that I was aware of this behavior in myself, and somehow managed to raise my children with the ability to do what is so difficult for me... To be completely honest with others, regarding their feelings, and to know that they are entitled to those feelings, right or wrong...that they can still be generous with others while being true to themselves...that sometimes it's OK to say no....that the rest will work out, if their intentions are good.

Being able to express your needs, and desires . ...it's a healthy thing....Not always saying yes....it's a healthy thing....me...not quite so healthy


MKC

Men...You gotta love 'em

Top 8 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say

(taken from AskMen.com)

8. Here honey, you use the remote.
7. You know, she looks great, but her breasts are just too big.
6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3. Aww, forget Monday Night Football, let's watch the OC.
2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.

To My Daughter with Love on the Important things in life

A mother tries to provide her daughter with insight into the important things in life in order to make her life as happy and fulfilling as possible. A mother tries to teach her daughter to be good, always helpful to other peopleto be fair, always treating others equally to have a positive attitude at all times to always make things right when they are wrong to know herself well to know what her talents are to set goals for herself to not be afraid of working too hard to reach her goals.

A mother tries to teach her daughter to have many interests to pursue to laugh and have fun every day to appreciate the beauty of nature to enter into friendships with good people to honor their friendships and always be a good friend and to particularly respect and love our elder members to use her intelligence all times to listen to her emotions to adhere to her values A mother tries to teach her daughter to not be afraid to stick to her beliefs to not follow the majority when the majority is wrong to carefully plan a life for herself to vigorously follow her chosen path to enter into a relationship with someone worthy of herself to love this person unconditionally with her body and mind to share all that she has learned in her life with this person
If I have provided you with an insight into most of these things then I have succeeded as a mother in what I hoped to accomplish in raising you if many of these slipped by while we were all so busyI have a feeling you know them anyway One thing I am sure of though, I have taught you to be proud of the fact that you are a woman equal to all men and that I have loved you every second of your life I have supported you at all times as a mother, as a person, and as a friend I will always continue to Cherish and love everything about you my beautiful daughter.

(author unknown)


I LOVE YOU!
XXOO
MOM

Does my butt look big in this?

"Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful." - Unknown

Now, if we could only be like the mammoths in the movie Ice Age 2,

here’s the approximate dialog:

SHE: What about me is attractive to you?

HE: Well, um, (thinking) your butt.

SHE: My butt?

HE: Your butt, its ... big.

SHE: Oh! Thank you! Thats such a nice thing to say!

HE: Yeah, its real big! The biggest one I’ve ever seen!

SHE: You are so sweet!

The Whale

The Whale


If you read the front page story of the SF Chronicle,you would have read about a female humpback whalewho had become entangled in a spider web of crab trapsand lines. She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that causedher to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards ofline rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a linetugging in her mouth. A fisherman spotted her just east of the FarraloneIslands(outside the Golden Gate) and radioed an environmental group for help. Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her ...a very dangerous proposition. One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer.

They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her.

When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles...She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them,pushed gently around-she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives. The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

May you, and all those you love, be so blessed and fortunate ... to be surrounded by people who will help you get untangled from the things that are binding you.

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

Feverish and coughing, employees show up at work with the flu and colds, potentially exposing colleagues. There's one in every office, factory or school: The colleague who slumps in the neighboring cubicle hacking and sniffling and wheezing, a mound of tissues rising like a viral mountain range.

Go home, already, you think to yourself. Instead, your colleague slogs through the day as the fog of flu or a cold rolls in, enveloping the workplace.


There's even a name now for the phenomenon: presenteeism. It's when people who should be absent from work or school -- because they're contagious or feeling so lousy they can't do their jobs -- aren't.

Now, my problem...it's not actually a colleague doing this, it's my employer! It's like he takes great pride in coming to the office with a 104 temp, sweating up a storm and coughing his head off!

Then 10 days later, when I've caught his bug, the pressure begins... What a sissy...you can't put work before a little fever? So what if you need to spend a few minutes with your head in the garbage can...everyone knows you feel better once you vomit.


MKC

Mother's Day

I think I heard him say when he was struggling up the hill

I think I heard him say, take my mother home

Then I'll die easy, take my mother home

I'll die so easy, take my mother home

I think I heard him say, when they was raffling off his clothes

I think I heard him say, take my mother home

I think I heard him cry when they was nailing in the nails

I think I heard him cry, take my mother home

I'll die this death on Calvary, ain't gonna die no more

I'll die on Calvary, ain't gonna die no more

Ain't gonna die no more

I think I heard him say, when he was giving up the ghost

I think I heard him say, please, take my mother home

Please, take my mother home

Christ's love toward his earthly mother, is a wonderful example to each of us of the reverence that we should hold for our mothers. His concern for her was exhibited even in his deepest agony.

My mom passed on in 1986. Twenty years ago, and I remember my emotions in hearing the news as if it were today. No one loves you the way a mother does...no one. Life without her has lost it's shine. I didn't realize how many things I did just for her approval. She made me feel beautiful, and smart, graceful and athletic. I knew she loved me...There aren't too many people in my life that I can unequivocally say that about. She knew me...yet she loved me. What a wonderful gift.

MKC

If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend

"Life changes fast. Life changes in the instant. You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends".

I just finished reading "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion. I had know idea until I was half way through my reading that Joan and her husband John were actually well known writers. Their lives intertwined with people whose names you would recognize.

They led a very elitist life style, one that would be envied...but what attracted me, was the open honesty of their life. I am beginning to realize that grief is a common set of emotions. To read her thoughts, actions, fears, to be a part of the grief and the efforts to heal, was remarkable. Many of the "specific" instances she wrote of were not unique. I, too, have thought the same thoughts and responded similarly to events. I felt at times that I was reading my own memoir.

Things like...Not wanting to erase a voice mail with his voice, wondering what he was doing one hour before, 2 hours before. ... Marking time that first year by saying "This time last year he was doing this....not being able to drive by his favorite restaurant, or the restaurant we ate at the night of his accident, not being able to have a food , because I was enjoying it the night he died.... Measuring life in terms of "before and after". Hanging on to every word, every phrase, looking for answers...for meaning, understanding...Feeling guilty, angry, sad, and mostly...alone.... Not wanting to see people or make conversation...people that you would normally find comfort in drive you crazy and strangers give you comfort.... And nothing you can do, or think or say, will bring him back.

I remember a mother who had lost a child saying that she would never again be as happy or as sad...I now know what she meant...one loses their innocence... and life becomes somewhat gray. You never again feel pure joy and happiness because you are forever aching, and you never again experience sadness in the same way, because nothing can come close to the depths of sorrow and anguish in losing a child. I don't really expect some one to understand this, it's enough to know that it is.

MKC

Forgiveness is a Gift and like all Gifts it does not Need to be Earned

Forgive those who hurt thy pride, offend thine honor, or otherwise frost thy buttocks.

Nearly fifteen years ago I was invited to a session where honesty was to be the main topic of discussion. Someone dear to me had been struggling with an addiction and in the course of his "activities" had been lying to me for several years. He was now getting help(as was I) and the two facilitators were bringing us together for some long awaited honesty. Unfortunately, his facilitator allowed the lies to continue, and when I later discovered the truth, I felt once again betrayed...but this time, by the trusted person who "we" were going to for help and direction and honesty.

Over the years, as our paths would cross, I'd wonder how he could ignore this obvious breach of confidence....However, with time, I was able to allow him his error in judgement and support him as a future leader of an organization that I was a member of.

Tonight, I had a face to face meeting with him. At the end of the meeting I asked if we could speak about the past.....As I reviewed some of the events, he responded by saying that it would be impossible for him to remember all of the painful meetings he had conducted over the years. I told him that it wasn't the content of the meeting I struggled with but his decision to allow dishonesty to continue in a setting that was to foster honesty.

I explained that I saw it as a lack of principle and it caused me to question his character. Because of his position in our lives, it was necessary for me to sort through my feelings.

He explained that it was a challenge to maintain confidentiality of a client and at the same time provide integrity in a meeting and that there were probably times when he didn't control the situation as well as he should have.

I tried to soften my criticism by acknowledging that I may not have known all that he was bound by in terms of doctor/patient communications, and that my main reason for bringing this up now, was because I knew that there had been discussion concerning my anger and that I didn't want it between us. I wanted him to know that I had worked through my feelings and wanted to give him an opportunity to express his.

Surprisingly, he had no feelings to express...and I left the meeting sad and disappointed; Having given him an opportunity to explain or even defend the position he took that had so effected my dying ability to trust....I was left with an amazing truth....the truth that he didn't even remember me...or the situation that he created by allowing secrets to continue.

So now, more than ever I believe that forgiveness is more about releasing harmful energies (grudges, feelings of victimization, and so on) that are overshadowing our personal health and well-being than letting someone else off the hook for his or her misdeeds.

In fact, I wonder....how many of our heartaches, deep unbearable wounds, disappointments, anger, and frustrations, are wasted on people who don't even remember that they hurt us?

MKC